


Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

by lily_superlock



Category: Supernatural
Genre: And guilty!dean, Get ready for angst, M/M, Some wanky wank I wrote ages for tumblr, Thought I'd finally post it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-10
Updated: 2015-11-10
Packaged: 2018-05-01 01:18:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5186711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lily_superlock/pseuds/lily_superlock
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A post season 10 bunker ficlet, ft. Dean not being able to deal with his emotions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

  
It was the last thing anyone would have expected Castiel to do.

It had been so awkward when they'd all gotten back to the bunker, it had taken time between curing Rowena's spell and the darkness which was still lurking and ready to bite any minute but there they were.

The first time for conversation, the first time to deal with the fucking elephant in the room, just Dean and Cas.

And jesus, Dean couldn't even look at him, every time he did he saw his own fists cutting up that jaw and his hand ready to plunge down that angel blade into him. How could he apologise for that? He couldn't. So Dean didn't. He chickened out, like a god damn little girl, and yelled at him instead.

He yelled at him for going along with Sam's plan, for working Rowena, for Charlie. He didn't even mean any of it, he was just so angry.

And Cas just stood there staring at him, fuck. Dean wanted him to get all high and mighty and put him in his place, say things like " _you should show me some respect_ ". God, Dean wanted him to tell him just how wrong he was, to hit him, to make it right.

But he didn't. Cas just sighed and it sounded like something awful, like he completely deflated, even his body slackened, shoulders slumped, it was like he was disappearing into his terrible trench coat.

And then he walked out of the room and out of the bunker and out of Dean's life. It had finally been too much and Cas did the last thing anyone expected him to do, he gave up on Dean.

* * *

 

  
Dean didn't look for Cas at first. It was easier that way. It was two days later that Sam came in asking where on earth Cas had gotten to.

"Dean, his room is empty. I mean I know he didn't have a lot of stuff but it doesn't look lived in at all."

"Well, I guess he left then," Dean shrugged.

"Dean," was all Sam said. That's all he had to say. It was clear, this was Dean's fault, Sam didn't even have to know what had happened.

"The guy's got his mojo back, he probably popped back up to Heaven, that's where he belongs, man. That's his home."

"What about the angels? Aren't they still mad at him for Metatron? It might not be safe for him out there," Sam said unleashing pangs of guilt and worry in Dean's gut. Cas could look after himself, surely, he always had...

"Anyway, Dean," Sam continued, "that's not his home any more and you know it."

Sam marched out of the room and Dean found himself yelling after him, "if you want to see him so bad, why don't you try praying to him? I don't see why it's always gotta be me trying to get hold of him!"

 

Then Castiel did the second thing no one expected him to do.

He answered Sam's prayers.

He helped him with a case to track down Metatron. They work in a motel and it seemed normal, like always, apart from the lack of Dean. Dean stayed at the bunker, he wasn't needed on this one and from the way Sam had run out of the door mumbling, he'd realised he wasn't welcome either.

Dean felt pathetic sitting in the bunker by himself, the world seemed to be against him too because every time he closed his eyes he saw his hand holding that blade over Cas again. Then he got a call from another hunter, an old friend of Johns, asking for some help on a Vamps' nest just two hours from there. Dean said yes, Sam will be gone for several days and hey, nothing is quite as distracting as ganking some twilight mother fuckers.

 

So the hunt didnt go exactly as planned. Dean wasn't on his top game and the other hunters could see that. One of them even started to give him these sympathetic looks like he's broken or something. Fuck him. Dean's fine. Or he is, until he gets himself surrounded by a swarm of vamps inside the warehouse when everyone else is outside still fighting through the front line. It's his own fault, he should've waited.

But there he is, being beaten up and about to be bitten and so he does what he always does in this situation, he does it automatically, he calls for Cas, not out loud but in his head. Cas should come, Cas would always come.

 

But he doesn't.

 

And if it wasn't for another hunter charging in (jesus Dean doesn't even remember their name and they saved his sorry ass) and stabbing a vamp right as it went to bite him, Dean would be a goner or well worse, a blood sucking leech.

* * *

 

Dean feels bitter, all the way back to the bunker. Cas was just gonna let that happen, son of bitch. Looks like he really doesn't care any more.

Dean only gets more bitter, thinking over and over about how Cas doesn't care any more, about how he gave up and left him. And by the time Sam comes back through the bunker door with Cas trailing behind him holding Metatron, Dean's seething.

"What the hell happened to you?" Sam demands upon seeing Dean stretched out on the sofa. Dean subconsciously thumbs the black eye one of the vamps left him with.

"I went on a hunt," Dean says nonchalantly.

Cas appears in the doorway, obviously after strapping down Metatron in the dungeon.

"You're hurt," Cas says, eyes empty. Wow, he hasn't seen Cas so devoid of emotion since that fucking Barn, maybe not even then.

"Yeah, like that's news to you."

Cas just narrows his eyes.

"I prayed to you, man, and you didn't come," and shit, Dean sounds like a petulant little child. It wasn't Cas' fucking job to get him out of sticky situations all the time, the guy had a life. Much to contrary belief, he wasn't Dean's guardian angel.

"I didn't hear," Cas replies coolly.

"What?"

"I cut our bond."

 

Dean is suddenly speechless, he's not really sure what that means but he doesn't like the sound of it. His heart feels heavy, it's sinking into a pool of wet tar and it's all his own fault.

 

"You- you can do that?"

"Yes and no. Not completely. It's difficult and takes time. The bond is strong, stronger than what it should be, it has roots and will grow over and over each time I cut it. It's a repetitive process."

Cas had been cutting their bond over and over again, he wanted to get away from Dean that much.

"Will it ever properly break?"

"No. But it makes you harder to hear. It makes it weaker."

 

A silence fills up the room, Dean feels like it's choking him, he's fucking suffocating on it, he needs to get out of there. It looks like he's not the only one though because there's the _whiiitph_ noise and Cas is gone. Dean is left sitting there and Sam coughs from his space in the corner. Damn, he'd forgotten Sam was there.

 

"You need to apologise, Dean," he says very matter-of-fact.

"Cas doesn't want anything to do with me," Dean barks. Great, be snappy with Sam, that'll help!

"Don't be an idiot, Dean."

"Jerk."

"Bitch."

"Seriously though, you're not doing anyone any favours right now, especially yourself."

Why did Sam always have to be so wise? It was infuriating.

 

* * *

 

  
Dean really wasn't expecting to see Cas for a while, not after all this.

But once again, Cas did the third thing no one expected him to do.

He showed up.

 

Dean goes to bed that night buzzed and hoping for a quite night's sleep but his mind was still reeling with seeing Cas, with him breaking their bond. His dreams are worse than ever. Normally he'd have flashes of Cas' bloody face, of his broken voice telling him to stop but he always did just before he went too far.

This time he doesn't stop.

He plunges the knife down, straight into Cas' chest, he feels it hit bone and crack. He feels it all. Cas' doesn't light up though, the room doesn't fill with his grace burning through space and time, he just lays there, lifeless, incredibly human; his cold, dead eyes staring back up at Dean. The weight of what he'd done suddenly consumes Dean. Sobs erupt through him, shaking his body violently and he grabs Cas' heavy body to him, clings to him, Cas' skin already cold, colder than what it would be. And Dean heaves and shakes Cas like it will bring him back.

"Please, please, please, Cas, please," he says over and over and over but nothing happens.

 

Until he snaps awake. He's still shaking and his throat is sore and he is choking out a sob as he comes back around. And looks up, and Cas is there,  right fucking there, like he used to be, just standing by Dean's bed.

 

"Cas?" Dean says, rubbing his eyes, attempting to make it look like he wasn't crying his eyes out. "What- what're you doing here?"

"I thought you were in distress."

"I thought you didn't hear me anymore," Dean bites back.

"You were very loud."

"It was just a dream, Cas," Dean finally says, sighing.

Cas doesn't say anything and Dean knows he's about to zap right out of there.

"Could you see it? The dream," he asks before Cas can.

"No. I'm surprised I heard you at all."

Dean has to fix this, Dean has to tell Cas about the guilt otherwise he's going to lose him forever. He sucks in a breath.

"Can I tell you about it?"

Cas fidgets. "If you'd like to."

"Okay," Dean says slowly. "Well, I- I was dreaming about- I... Jesus, sit down or something Cas, I can't do this with you just standing over me." Dean pats the bed and Cas perches on the edge of it like he'd rather be even in the deepest regions of hell than here.

"Look, I was dreaming about when I still had the mark, when I .. beat you up, hurt you, jesus, almost fucking killed you. I dream about it a lot, Cas."

Cas doesn't look at him.

"But this time, it was different. This time, I didn't stop, and then you were gone. You- you were dead," Dean says and hell, he'd be lying if he said his voice didn't break a little. Cas looks up at him then. "I don't know what I'd do if you were gone, Cas," Dean finally admits.

Cas swallows and still doesn't say anything.

"I've been driving myself crazy over this. I never want to hurt you again, Cas. I can't take it." Dean shakes his head. "And I get it, if you need to be away from me but I needed to fucking apologise, I've been avoiding it, shit, because I couldn't face what I'd done, what I'd done to you."

He looks up at Cas, this had to be right in the baby blues, at least if Cas walked away now and never wanted to see Dean again, he'd know his apology was genuine. "I'm sorry, Cas, for everything. I am so fucking sorry."

"You forget, Dean, I too know the weight of a guilt like that. I beat you too, under Naomi's instruction. I still think about that often, it's a very vivid memory."

"You know I've forgiven you for that, Cas. It wasn't you."

“And this wasn’t you,” Cas says tapping his own arm where the mark used to be on Dean.

“Does that mean you forgive me?” 

“Of course, Dean. I’d already forgiven you. I just thought you didn’t want me around any more.”

“Fuck, Cas, I didn’t mean to do that. I’m such a fuck up. I need you around, Cas, you know that, I need you,” Dean repeats those precious words. Maybe they’ll show Cas how much he means to him.

Dean’s hand finds Cas’ then and Cas doesn’t move away. Dean laces his fingers between his and squeezes. Cas squeezes back. They sit like that for a long time just staring at one another.

“Hey, what about the bond, Cas?”

Cas sighs, “I think I misinterpreted the results of breaking a bond.”

“What do you mean?”

“Break a bone, Dean, and it grows back twice as strong.”


End file.
